So my bible reading in proverbs spoke mainly about wisdom. Actually I think that is what the whole book is mainly about. Anyway, there were specific passages that struck a chord with me and left me pondering its meaning. The bible speaks of wisdom personified as something that brings life and is more precious than rubies and brings riches.  I don't know in one part it spoke of I believe wisdom being here even before the foundation of the earth and later in the chapter it states that wisdom is is life. So I was wondering maybe if that in a away is tlking about Jesus. But I'm not sure the correct correlation, but I think it would be something to meditate and study more. The end lesson being the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Even Bob Marley states in one of his songs ..."fools die for want of wisdom". So what is this wisdom and why is it so desirable? If wisdom is life, and Christ is life....I believe that would be why it is important. Coincidently, to obtain wisdom is to find life, but there is a sacrifice to be made...which is the fear of the Lord. Personally, I believe fearing the Lord means to acknowledge and live by the word of God knowing that it is the supreme truth. So, that would mean a completely giving up all human thought and reason to obtain wisdom. The bible says those who don't find wisdom are buried in graves. Sometimes I feel like that because I have not totally surrendered my thoughts to God and without doing so I'm unable to recieve the wisdom that only comes from the Lord. That is my goal, however, to get this wisdom. I've reached a point in my life where I cannot afford to make anything but wise decisions. My life is dependent on my choices. God promises that those who seek wisdom inherit favor from the Lord, and there is nothing I need more than that right now.

So yesterday at Erica's party, apparently I was being offensive to many people because they felt that I was being booshi and I thought I was better than them because I was being standoffish. So Ebony calls me getting in my face about how I am incredibly booshi and I need to humble myself because I could have been in their position. Honestly, if I didn't know how much opportunty and priveledge these kids had then I'd feel bad. They spent all high school making others feel like shit and now they are the ones who have failed and everybody else is out of here So I'm not apologizing for that. Then Ebony goes on how I think I'm better than ppl that go to U of H and dats why I don't talk to Tiffany and if she went to Uof H I wouldnt talk to her either. I think thats what I hate the most about Ebony, she always tries to flip the script on me. She sists and talks aout all these ppl and says all this shit than all of a sudden she'll change her mind and expect me to change too. First of all, me and Tiffany just grew apart and its just we have seperate friends...the whole time Ebony tries to tell me that I'm going to end up with no friend if I keep my booshi act on and that I think I'm better bc I'm african. So first of all I try to be nice everyday to everyone, but there are certain situations and places I don't tolerate and I dont put myself in, so if that means I'm booshi than so be it. I don't really need her to be my friend bc ever since we have been friends its been only drama with her I've gone through so much shit with her and she keeps trying to act like she's my only friend. And even if that was true, so b it....I've reached a point where I can be by myself...friends are good, but I don't need some that will bring me down. If I even begin to reinterate all the shit it would take forever... Interject I in no way think I am perfect. I don't believe, although it may come across that I think I'm better than PEOPLE. I do admit I have an attitude, but I will not admit or pretend to accept things that I don't agree with. I'm really trying to change myself for the better in everyway and I really want God to lead me to frinds that will uplift me and help me make that change easier. so yea my arm hurts... So yea I deleted her number I hope she does the same bc I've been saying since high school I want to start over without some people esp. her...so let's make that change...this sounds so rude blog...but if u knew everyhting....everyone wemmy, my dad, my mom, my sister have been telling me that she's not good for me and I think I'm ready to listen because I relized ebony is not making me a better she lets me be complacent..or I let her make me that way and when I c wrong...I don't say it..forget that..I'm 19

Reading over my old diaries/journals...I have one consistency throught them...I have a violent temper. When things got bad or people made me angry I kept alot of shit bottled up and released it on paper.  Also, it's weird to look back and see how many  people have dramatically affected my life and yet they are not in it anymore. I'm somewhat hesitant to even type the things I've kept inside for so many years...I just don't understand why I have so much and I am ONLY 19!! Where do I begin? I'll start with the people who have most impacted my life from the very beginning. Oh my God I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Lucy: She is my best friend or at least that was what I was always told. Well actually I think she was...at a time.  Where do I begin with her. Our mothers are best friends and we grew up together from birth we went to daycare, daycare, and kindergarten together, Our families did everything together. Lets see I remember when her mom or my mom were at school either parent would take care of the others kids...so that usually meant spending nights at either ones house.  I don't exactly remember how this happened, but all I know is that at times when we would be sleeping she would touch me in my private places. Which was like freaking  weird because I don't understnad how she knew about those things we were fucking little...and I was confused because I knew she was a girl, but she told me we were just playing house and that it was ok, so I just let it happen. Another reoccuring theme in my life. Even though I allowed things to happen details I don't want to go into...I still always knew it ws wrong. Besides that we had a babysitter...I cant remember her name but she had a daughter who'd watch her sometimes and then after a while she became my babysitter too. To cut a long story short..I kinda figured out where Lucy got her stuff from...when the lady would leave the girl would come in and pull us behind the couch and make us pull down our pants and se would stick her hand in our pants and through our parents. I just remembered wanting to never come back because I knew the shit I would have to go through, it would be the same routine. So years after, like I was never attracted to girls but that type shit severely ucked up my head and it made me question my sexuality...well at that time I didnt know sexuality as a term, but I didn't understand my feeling towards girls. I know this one time I tried to tell her sister what was happening and she just shut me up and dismissed it. And I guess I did too...it's just one of those things that I try to pretend never happened and sometimes its easy to because I dont c her everyday and some days its harder because I don't I'm a girl and I think about how much better off 'd been if I didnt have to deal with all this. I'm not trying to complain...idk.... Jeremy:

I think I've already explained alot of that shit  in my blog already. In short just more fucked up.

Brother:
I think this is the hardest one to write. This is another thing that I have never vocally/written about ever. Although, he has never done anything to me personally...I have seen things...which honestly makes me scared when I am in a room alone with him. I don't know when this started, but I think I became aware of it like maybe at 8. Like all this shit was fucking back to back. Uh.....THIS IS SO FREAKING WEIRD to write. How do I start.  I think the first time I witnessed my brother in a sexual altercation was one day when we were all alone in the house and I was like where is everyone I couldn't find my brother or sister so I went down the hall looking for them.  I can guess u know where this is heading....and I happened to open the door a crack and then I saw it. My brother on my sister's bed sucking on her breast. It's really hard to explain what you feel when you see something like that. I mean there were actually several times I caught that kind of stuff happening over years, but I don't know if they think I don't remember or Imaybe I was too young to remmeber or something. All I know is that even to this day I refuse to get undressed in front of my sister, like not even my bra because I always fear that she might try to do something to me....my brother I just try not to be alone with him because again I'm scared that they will do something to me. I just don't understand...with all the other shit going on outside....I had fucking molesters in my own house. I don't know..I don't think about it everyday....but just like the other cases it memories that haunt my thinking and stays in the back in my mind and reminds me how much I hate sex and how much I can't trust people. It's just something that makes me cringe...I used to pray to God to make me forget it and make all these things just figments of my imagination....but that didnt happen...in fact I had nightmares and i've gotten more and more inhibted and to myself when I'm at home because I dont trust any of them. It feels weird admitting that. I never could talk about it because nobody would understand without judging me.

MOM:
Before this I have to say that our relationship has improved so much better than it used to be. Howeve, I can't forget...or I dont know how to forget all the things she's ever said to me or what she's done to me. I can't really forget how she made me ...or maybe I should say I believed the things she said to me to a certain point I invited...I loved the idea of death...It was a well thought out process something I plannned for a while. I think all I wanted to know that she loved me.....because for a long time I really didnt believe she did...and I'm not trying to be cliche.  i mean from her saying she didnt think I would be anything, her telling me she didnt need us....(kids husband) her leaving, her not talking to me for months, her making me so self conscious, her just forgeting birthdays, dinners...shit like dat...after a while I stopped crying and I started cutting, started with boys and I got angry. It got to a point nothing she said really hurt cuz I could so worse...ut yea whatever I can go on forever about all the things...but I dont care. I think the one thing I held most against her...and maybe it wasnt her fault was when my sister was arrested for shoplifting. Ok so I knew my sister was leaving the house periodically but I never knew for what. So that day...I my sister got yelled at and all of a asudden my mom turned on me and I got the biggest beat down of my life and my mom told me what she had done was my fault and she blamed me for it. So of course, none of that shit made sense and still till this day it doesnt make sense...and even after that my sister had series of stints of stealing from me alot of money and other family members and my mom always covered it up....so I stopped crying and I got angry and I learned just to shut da fuck up because I don't trust my mom. I never know when she is going to go bipolar and switch on me. My guard is always up arounf her, I don't get to close because I'm scared of her. I hate who I let her make me become..and untill I figure out how to stop that I keep my distance.

Dwight
So if there anyone I felt close to sophmore year in high school. It was him. I felt I knew hime...anyway he ended up doing me....like its still something I don't like talking about because like everything else that happens in my life I dont really understand. Anyway, I've havent been that low in my life....and again NOONE to talk...2....but yea I think I'mma end for today..I feel like I've said enough for one night

In conclusion I have alot of things that make me scream because they've been in me for so long just shut up...so there are times when I'm angry and I just want to be angry....But I think I've gotten better...because there is still so much more to write....but that's what other days are for.

Today was not that bad I actually had a pretty good day. I know that's because I was determined to be positive and because I got makeup! and cosmo! Life is normal again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I found out Patrick's wife was cheating on him and they got through a divorce. I feel so bad for him because he is the sweetest person you will ever meet and everything I just dont understand why people do that shit.

HEB: So today I went to get my schedule and my new work shirts for tomorrow....I felt like dying...I still cannot believe I am going back to that blackhole. However, after taking a nap...I realized it is up to me to make this work for me. I can have a negative attitude everyday and have a bad day..or just look at it as something I don't want to do, but at leats, Thank God, I have a job. I am the one who chose to work and if I'm given this job, even though it is something I don't want, I need to be thankful. I am the only one that can control how my day goes. All I know is everyday getting ready to go I have to mentally train myself and prepare myself. I mean this is somewhat of like a test. There are gonna be many things I don't want to do, but I have to because the end result will be profitable to me, Again, I believe my attitude needs to be tweaked and renewed...this is probably why I did so poorly in school. I just have to work hard...and I'm believing that I'm ready to that. DIET/MEAL: So today I slipped up on my diet...I never had a real meal day until dinner..which is bad and totally not apart of my plan.  Oh I had a cherry sunkist...it was kind of like when I drink, one minute I was chilling and the next minute I was drinking it. I felt so disappointed in myself. For a moment I thought of throwing it up, then I was like no...I'll just punish myself in some other way. Then I ws like NO Peace chill out, Yes, I messed up, but I just started again and I can't keep feeling bad for making human mistakes.  I still was mad at myself, but I didn't do anything harmful to myself because of it, so I'm proud of me. Anyway, tomorrow is always another day. Ebony: So today, she calls me trying to hang out with all these different people...mainly guys at her house today. And I said no. I'm getting more and more proud of myself. Sometimes being friends with Ebony I feel like I have to lose myself and give up parts of me to make everything run smoothly.  I ususally feel I never have a say in anything I want to or do not want to do.  I know me not wanting to come over probably made her mad, but I'm tired of not doing what Peace wants to do. And plus I know there will b a lot of pining and drinking there and then guys....three things I'm trying to stay away from this summer...the first one not being that hard. I just want to do and be me, whoever that may be you know. I just feel sometimes that there is noone in the whole world who understands me and that I'm truly alone. I feel like I'm growing up and the more I am..I'm finding the things I used to do and like I don't want to be like that anymore or do those things. So what happens to the people I used to chill and do those things with? I don't know. Stalker: Every so often I go crazy and I become a true stalker. It usually happens once out of every 6 months...mainly with people I'm interested in. I go crazy trying to find out all this info about that person. Then I'm embarrassed because I think Oh MY God what if the person knew I was doing this? Anyway, I miss Taylor...I wonder what he's doing. I don't know I feel like I am so boring and I have nothing to offer him sometimes...it's really a blow to my ego most times.  His ex-gf is sooo lucky he loves her the way he does.....sigh...I think my period is about to start because I'm getting emotional... LOVE IS SUPREME